I Am Not

By Ps Dev Menon

Many of our AGs have been going through John’s gospel this year. Despite studying it in detail several times before, I still find that God’s Word manages to surprise me.

In John 18, we see Peter’s threefold denial of Jesus. Three times he says “I am not” Jesus’ disciple. For the longest time, I had assumed that this was because he was afraid. The other disciples were clearly afraid (see Matthew 26:56).

Yet Peter and John followed Jesus as He was taken to see the high priest. In fact, John went into the very area where the trial was being held and seems to invite Peter in also.

More than that, Peter is the only one prepared to fight. He took out his sword and charged at the arresting band (only to get scolded by Jesus). Wasn’t that in-line with what he said earlier in John 13? I will lay down my life for you! Here’s proof! 

No, I don’t think Peter was afraid. I think it’s much deeper than that.

I think he cannot believe, or understand what Jesus is doing at all. How can this One – declared to be the King of Israel – volunteer to get arrested, put up no fight, speak no protest, go through kangaroo court, be struck by his own people and Roman soldiers too. How can the Messiah, the Son of God, endure mocking, shame, lies and ultimately crucifixion without seeming to exert His power and authority in defence?

I think Peter has a very different understanding of what it means to lay down one’s life – and whatever Jesus is doing is rather repulsive to him. It does not fit with his idea of glory. Just like with the foot-washing, Peter wants no part of this Jesus… and so he states, unequivocally, that he is NOT Jesus’ disciple. I am not, I am not, I am not. 

What does it mean to follow Jesus? What does it mean to lay down one’s life for Him? What does it mean to love Him?